Ramblings ...

I'm sure everyone addreses their own problems in their own unique way. Some of them prefer to talk it out to a confidant, sometimes hoping that he or she will be able to give some insight or help to solve the problem or at the very least be a good listener. Others prefer to keep their problems to themselves perhaps to deal with them when the appropriate time comes or maybe its to protect others from their pain or to refrain from embarassing themselves in exposing their problems to others.

Having been on both sides of the fence, I can relate very well. I can safely say when I was growing up, I never had any friends that I felt comfortable sharing ALL my problems with. Hence, I began to feel I shouldn't share any of my problems with anyone. After all, there are my problems! I should not burden others with my own problems. Other people have their own problems to deal with. Furthermore, other people might take advantage of my problems and use them against me so I remained wary.

Honestly, I cant say it made it a happy person. When I was still a small boy, perhaps my family sheltered me from all my problems or solved them for me without me even knowing about it, so I could still remain blissfully ignorant of the big bad world. However, when I started secondary school then graduated to college and then on to the working world, I was pretty much left to fend for myself.

Any problems that I encountered, I kept to myself. Any personal issues that I was going through remain buried in my heart. I think back now and wonder perhaps it was the fear of others finding out how weak I was that motivated me to build a great big emotional wall around myself allowing no one inside but keeping me safe at least in my opinion. At times, when I was overwhelmed, I wondered whether I would actually implode and kill myself just to get it over with but I was too much of a coward to go through with it.

I maintained this opinion for the first 23 years of my life. Till someone out of the blue spent countless hours getting me to open up. Toiled for many months convincing me that people are generally good and trust should be given before it can be received. And I actually began to believe.

I began to have more faith in people, learnt how to share and release all the hurt, anger and distrust that were slowly consuming me from within. I would like to believe that I was becoming a happier person until something else happened and now I dont really know what to think. Perhaps a balance is necessary to maintain sanity to the crazy journey called life.